dreams on fire

I have a feeling that some of my friends have no idea what I'm going through.  It's not just about not having a job or steady income.  Times like this are making me think about my life in general.  How did I get here?  Was it a result of bad choices?  Do I just have no clue about what I'm doing?

Every night I pray to a higher power to help me through this period in time.  I hold my polar bear Bill close to my heart while I pray for clarity... purpose... a sign of things to come.  I would love to know what the next chapter of this life holds for me yet I fear it.  Every step I've taken has ended in sheer disaster - relationships, jobs, etc.  Can I do anything right with the life I have?  No wonder I have no idea what to do next for fear I'll blank it up.  

I dream about a life where I can see the world.  I dream about telling my story to the world.  I dream about never depending on anyone for anything except love.  I dream about actually being loved - unconditionally, unequivocally loved. Last night I went to sleep wondering what today would bring.  Now I know every day is a wonder in itself.  

sweet nothing

Today I woke up around 10:30am.  I had planned to run a few errands in town but I decided not to... I just didn't feel like it.  In fact, I didn't feel like doing anything except spend the day in my pajamas.  So that's exactly what I did.  I spent most of today in my pajamas.  Updating my blog has been the most productive thing I've done all day.  

I don't really know why but I just don't feel like doing anything.  It's as if I'm waiting for the end of something and it's not coming.  I remember this feeling from about 7 years ago - I had no money for food or rent and I would spend my days searching for jobs and doing not much else.  Back then I didn't have a clue what would happen to me.  

Right now I don't have a clue what will happen to me.  Yet I have to wonder if there's something more to all of this...?  My aunt says I have to let go of all the anger I have towards the people in my life and only after I do that I can move on.  She's probably right in all honesty however once I do that, what do I move on to?   What's out there for me?

Try to imagine that tomorrow will bring nothingness.  That's exactly how I feel at this moment.  Like when I go to sleep tonight I will wake tomorrow to more of the same.  

Could it be that the next chapter in this life is right there in front of my face and I just don't (or can't) see it.  If that is the case then I wish I could just open up my eyes to what is actually there.

le chômage part deux

Right now I'm listening to Alanis.  Not Alanis Morrissette but Alanis... as in Alanis' self-titled album from 1991.  Took me forever to find it but I did and it's great!

My dear friend Luciana came to see me this past weekend and we had a great catchup.  Luci and I have been friends since high school... come to think of it she's the only person I still talk to from high school.   Everyone else is for later.   So she told me something really interesting about looking for a job:

'Advertised jobs are like houses on the market.  If they were really great houses then they wouldn't have to advertise because they would have been taken already.  Same goes for jobs on the market.  Sometimes they are jobs that are really hard to fill because the job itself actually sucks and they have to sell the opportunity to some poor sucker...'

Okay, so that last part was my interpretation of Luciana's words. I'm sure over the last several years I have been privileged to have some pretty sucky jobs.  I'm really not a sucker for bad jobs but I also seem to be a magnet for them.   

Now here's the fun part - not only must I find work so I can have money to live, I also have the task to find a job that doesn't suck.  I keep hearing these stories about people in jobs who have the most crackheaded coworkers of all time.   Why do people turn into complete douchebags upon entering the workplace?  Are they just douchebags all the time?  Do douchebags marry other douchebags and have little douchebags and do douchebag things?  Is it too much to ask for a bit of sense?

Apparently so.

May the Force be with me

I just spoke to my aunt Marion and she actually prayed with me.  I have to say it was pretty amazing for her to do that.  Keep in mind I'm a perfect heathen.  I believe in higher power and I also believe everything in life happens for a reason (including being bamboozled).  

There is a reason that Aunt Marion got in touch with me on Christmas Day.  Maybe I'm supposed to have some semblance of family in my life... maybe she and her daughters (my cousins) are it.

I've done a lot of thinking over the last few days about this situation I now find myself in - unemployed with a bit of cash to my name and unsure of what's going to happen next.  I'm wondering where I belong in this world.  What is it I'm meant to do?   What is supposed to be my contribution to this earth?  Right now, I don't have a clue.  

At this moment I've got mixed emotions.  I feel lost yet on the right path.  I feel hopeful yet uncertain.  Now more than ever I need to trust my intuition to guide me.  

Too bad I'm not a Jedi.

la marde

I'm in shock right now.   I've been bamboozled by a bunch of fetuses.  I don't even know what to say right now except now what?