Thursday, July 28, 2011

standard of Athena

In my last post, I wrote about an opportunity that has presented itself to me.  Without divulging too much information, I have begun work on it.  Yet, I have to wonder why I'm doing it.  To answer my own question, I believe I've had this need my whole life to prove myself - prove I'm not thick or a failure.  Maybe there's this standard of Athena that I feel like I'm not living up to.

Sometimes I do feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life.  I went to school, had a string of useless jobs and now here I am.  Perhaps I need to prove to myself first & foremost that I'm not just anyone.  I can do things.  I learn quickly.  Plus I need to throw myself headfirst into something... not just anything but something I can put my name on.

Plus there's the money issue.  I know if I want my dreams to come true I have the power to make it happen.  Daunting, isn't it? I am fearful of the possibilities and outcomes.  I admit I fear the unknown.  What if I fail again?  It could very well be that I won't.  Down with complacency!

Athena can do anything.  Athena just needs to keep telling herself that.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

spread my wings and fly

From the time I was a child, I knew I was different from everyone else.  I couldn't explain why or how but I just knew it.  I was good at things - school, sports, etc yet it was almost as if I wasn't allowed to let my true light shine for fear of others feeling insignificant.  Sure, it sounds exceptionally laughable and even conceited. What I'm about to say is coming from a place that's been kept down inside me for way too long.

After a long chat with one of my dear friends, I realized I've been suppressing my needs for the sake of others.  I've been downplaying my true self because others might feel bad.  For example, after Ethan & I got engaged, I was told to curb my happiness around his best friend because it reminded her of her failed engagement.  I was so upset by this.  Why should I not be happy because it made someone else feel sad?  Does this mean I have to stop smiling and not wear my engagement rock ring with pride?  NO.  A big fat resounding NO.

I wanted to stop working for other people and start my own business some years ago.  I knew I had it in me to make it successful.  Instead of support & encouragement from family & friends, they all told me it'll never fly and just get a job and pay your bills.  So I did.  Stupidly I listened to them.  In my heart of hearts I could feel myself going against the grains of my true desires & calling.  My dreams slowly eroded to a pile of dust inside my head.  When I'd come home from work drained & frustrated, I'd wonder if all those naysayers were happy that I joined them as part of the hoi polloi.  I became just another person.  I didn't even feel like a woman.  I was just one of many mashed into the morning southbound train to mediocrity.  It wasn't until I moved to Quebec when I started to feel some kind of freedom.

This something in me has laid dormant until just recently.  I call it my phoenix spirit.  I feel it rising inside me every so often however it's only now that I've started to pay attention.  I need to fly.  I need to soar above the clouds without anyone feeling bad about it.  An opportunity has presented itself to me; an opportunity that would let me soar for the first time in my life.  Ethan has joined me on this journey only because he felt like I was leaving him behind.  He thought I was moving on without him.  Ethan was the latest person in my life to let me know it wasn't okay for me to do something great so in order to spare his feelings, I folded my wings and came down.

Right now my head hurts from crying so much.  I want to stop making concessions for others and do right by me.  I'm going to soar until I come back down when I want and not because somebody feels bad.  That's just too bad.  I wanna do bad for the first time in my life.  Is that such a crime?

ill of the dead

The world lost Amy Winehouse today. Yesterday more than 90 people died in Norway in the country's worst violence since WWII.  Truth be told I don't know what's worse.

Sure, Amy Winehouse had issues. People were quick to say all kinds of things and still are even after her passing.  Is that right?  Why do people feel the freedom to publish such drivel on message boards & forums online?  What if it was your loved one in Ms. Winehouse's shoes?  Would you be so quick to dispel such hatred?  It is wrong to speak ill of the dead - full stop.  Think of her family who has lost a daughter and a sister.  It never ceases to amaze me how inhuman people can be.

I just finished reading an article on about a survivor of the shooting in Norway.  This person pretended to be dead in order to avoid being killed by the gunman yet he still was shot in the shoulder.  At least the gunman has surrendered himself to the authorities.  How a person gets to that point I'll never know.  Norway is a country you rarely see in the news; now it's in the world's spotlight.

Our lives must forge ahead.  We must endeavour to move forward and live each day.  This life is short... something I've always said and will continue to say.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

as I shake my head...

Every day I read the news online.  Sometimes I read nice stories (the Nadeshiko winning the Women's World Cup) yet these days it's mostly crap.  I don't even know where to begin!

In case you haven't heard, there's a massive phone hacking scandal across the pond.  Somebody thought it would be a good idea to hack into dead people's cell phones to glean information for a story.  Not only was the newspaper involved, the fuzz and a few MPs were in on it as well.  Unless you are the girl with the dragon tattoo this shouldn't even be happening.  Yet again we have another instance where the media only cares about selling papers at the cost of people's lives.  Yes, Newsweek, I'm referring to you.

The madness doesn't stop there! The Beckhams welcomed their baby daughter into the world last week.  She is indeed beautiful despite her unique name.  Now that we know Harper Seven was named after the author Harper Lee, sales of her book To Kill a Mockingbird have skyrocketed.  When Chris Martin & Gwyneth Paltrow named their daughter Apple, was there a sudden demand for this delicious fruit around the planet?  Are people flocking to Kingston, Ontario or Kingston, Jamaica in honour of Gwen Stefani's son?  Why, people?  Why??

Now for the one thing that's really burning my cookies - IQT.  This call centre company woke up one morning and decided to axe 1000+ jobs out of this great country of ours in order to move them to Nashville because they'll get a grant from the city; to the tune of 1.8 million bones over 5 years plus 5 bills for every job created in Nashville.  In a surprise twist, (read: karma) Nashville has decided not to give IQT the grant for the way they treated their employees here.  The mayor of Nashville had no idea that IQT management were up to no good.  You see?  Don't mess with karma.  If you were an employee of IQT, I wanna hear from you.  Congrats on becoming part of the Broke Folks revolution!

I couldn't believe this bit of news - Canada's immigration rates have dropped 25% from this time last year.  Way to go Stevie H on shutting Canada's doors.  As a first-generation Canadian, I know for fact people come here seeking a better life.  Never mind the ongoing Arab Spring, the famine in the Horn of Africa or people dying in conflicts around the world; what better way of lending a hand than allowing them to come to Canada?  It's not like we don't have any room.  Canada has a little over 34 million people living in a land mass 24 times the size of Japan.  Still not convinced?  Try mashing 125 million people in an area the size of Newfoundland & Labrador. Squishy.  Immigrants are not people who take our jobs and sit on government handouts like people think.  They come here to escape war, famine, torture or death.  For Canada to close its doors like some posh nightclub is preposterous.  Multiculturalism is what makes Canada known the world over.  With the Tories in power, it won't be long before minorities are sitting at the back of the bus.