Saturday, July 23, 2011

spread my wings and fly

From the time I was a child, I knew I was different from everyone else.  I couldn't explain why or how but I just knew it.  I was good at things - school, sports, etc yet it was almost as if I wasn't allowed to let my true light shine for fear of others feeling insignificant.  Sure, it sounds exceptionally laughable and even conceited. What I'm about to say is coming from a place that's been kept down inside me for way too long.

After a long chat with one of my dear friends, I realized I've been suppressing my needs for the sake of others.  I've been downplaying my true self because others might feel bad.  For example, after Ethan & I got engaged, I was told to curb my happiness around his best friend because it reminded her of her failed engagement.  I was so upset by this.  Why should I not be happy because it made someone else feel sad?  Does this mean I have to stop smiling and not wear my engagement rock ring with pride?  NO.  A big fat resounding NO.

I wanted to stop working for other people and start my own business some years ago.  I knew I had it in me to make it successful.  Instead of support & encouragement from family & friends, they all told me it'll never fly and just get a job and pay your bills.  So I did.  Stupidly I listened to them.  In my heart of hearts I could feel myself going against the grains of my true desires & calling.  My dreams slowly eroded to a pile of dust inside my head.  When I'd come home from work drained & frustrated, I'd wonder if all those naysayers were happy that I joined them as part of the hoi polloi.  I became just another person.  I didn't even feel like a woman.  I was just one of many mashed into the morning southbound train to mediocrity.  It wasn't until I moved to Quebec when I started to feel some kind of freedom.

This something in me has laid dormant until just recently.  I call it my phoenix spirit.  I feel it rising inside me every so often however it's only now that I've started to pay attention.  I need to fly.  I need to soar above the clouds without anyone feeling bad about it.  An opportunity has presented itself to me; an opportunity that would let me soar for the first time in my life.  Ethan has joined me on this journey only because he felt like I was leaving him behind.  He thought I was moving on without him.  Ethan was the latest person in my life to let me know it wasn't okay for me to do something great so in order to spare his feelings, I folded my wings and came down.

Right now my head hurts from crying so much.  I want to stop making concessions for others and do right by me.  I'm going to soar until I come back down when I want and not because somebody feels bad.  That's just too bad.  I wanna do bad for the first time in my life.  Is that such a crime?