Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I got my own back

This morning I woke up from a lovely dream where I was having a torrid love affair with Rob James-Collier (Google him and you'll see what I mean) to rays of sunshine streaming through my window.  I thought to myself, it's gonna be a great day.  Things are going to change for me today.  A paradigm is already in motion.   I even had lunch with a good friend this afternoon and worked on my tan!

Of course, what was waiting for me at home but 3 messages from bill collectors.  Had I known I was going to spend all afternoon gallivanting all over creation for these fools I would've stayed in bed desperately trying to recreate my dream affair with Rob.  This is getting insane.  For a brief second I found myself feeling hopeless without anyone to turn to.  Did I really create this hole for myself?  Even if I had stayed in my job to endure further picomanaging, I'd still be in this situation - at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Am I really alone in this time in my life?  Do I have someone to truly depend on?  Does anyone for that matter?  Does anyone truly look out for one another?  What does it really mean to 'help' someone out?  When you say to someone, "I got your back" is that really true?   See, I don't think so.  At the end of the day, I got my own back.  Athena feeds, clothes, shelters and amuses Athena.  These days I really feel like the world just doesn't give a blank.

I guess I could say I've got higher power looking out for me.  I'm certainly not a Bible thumper nor do I have a tambourine to sing gospel at all hours on Sunday morning.  I do believe there is a higher power out there that looks out for us all.  Some people call it Buddha, God, Shiva, Zeus... either way it is what it is to each individual.  I do wish I had the means to really explore my own spirituality - I could add that to my list of "Things To Do During The Day When You're Bored Outside Your Mind".  Either way, it is nice knowing that I'm not totally alone.  Hey - if I believed in the Jedi religion, I could say the Force will always be with me.  Okay, so maybe not.  I'm not a total dexter despite my love for all things Star Wars.

Where's my family in all this?  I'm still trying to figure that out for myself.  Sure, we share the same DNA but really, that's about it.  I can say on pain of being struck by the divine that I have been the glue holding my family together.  When in doubt, call Athena and she'll put aside her own needs for her family because that's what families do, right?  Not mine.  Every member of the Titanides family has their own back, of which they turned on me one by one in my time of need.  That hurt like nobody's business.   I could be whoring myself for my next fix of crack rock and they wouldn't blink an eye because it won't affect them unless someone finds out about it.  Oh well.  At least I now know that Athena Titanides is her own family.   Athena's got her own back.

By now I would've gone absolutely mad if I didn't have my friends around me to offer their support or just a few laughs to take my mind off my dismal existence.  I don't expect anything from them other than their friendship.  It's nice to call them up from time to time and just chat about The Bachelorette or what's on sale at Eaton Centre this week.  We all have our cross to bear and it is what it is to each of us.   It's comforting to know that my friends understand this and together we can all get our own backs.   Having said that, I now know who my REAL friends are.  I may not have a ton of friends but the ones I do have are true.  You know I gots love for my crew!!

I read the most interesting book called "Yes I Can" by Devon Harris, a member of the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team.  Everyone knows how the Jamaican bobsled team faced so much stink at the Calgary Winter Olympics because people thought they didn't belong.  In the end, they didn't win a medal but they won the world's respect.   You won't find me sliding down a hill anytime soon but I'll be here working my parts off to make my life better for myself.  Yes I can! Yes I will!  

This is why I rock.