Tuesday, August 26, 2008

govern yourself accordingly

I got a letter in the mail this afternoon from guess who - a bill collector!  I've gotten letters like this before but this one in particular stuck out because at the end of the letter, it read, "Govern yourself accordingly.  What in the hell does that mean... govern yourself accordingly?

Does my lack of income conclude my inability to govern myself?  Do those with incomes have this ability?  Who are they to comment on how I'm struggling to take care of myself?  Am I being painted with an overgeneralized brush? 

A few minutes ago, I came home from the gym after an embarrassing encounter. I give the buddy behind the desk my membership card and he told me my account is being suspended because I owe over $200 on my membership.   I nearly burst into tears right then & there - instead, I told him I would call Customer Service to straighten it out.  All I wanted to do was thirty minutes of cardio - now I'll have to find another way to get in shape... for free.

This whole episode is now hitting me really hard and I'm feeling defeated.  The fight in me is nearly gone.  I don't think anyone understands that I'm in this alone - no one has really come forward to offer me financial help.  Should I even expect it?  I don't, to be honest - people have their own lives and issues to worry about.

I spoke with Christiane and she suggested moving away from Toronto to get a fresh start.  I am considering a move to Montreal where the cost of living is significantly lower than here.  I am also considering just packing up and leaving everything behind to live with my uncle.  The positive in all of this is that I do have options.  If only I didn't feel so torn all the time.

Now I'll just enjoy my Sleepytime tea and wind down for the evening.  Tomorrow is another day... another 24 hours in which I go blindly, hoping the stars will give me a break.