Tuesday, August 12, 2008

my life's calling went straight to voice mail

I've been watching the Olympics for hours on end and I do enjoy it. These athletes are inspiring to me and I love hearing about their journeys to their respective Olympic moments.  On the other hand, I am envious of them.  Not only is their body fat percentage 1/1000 of what mine is they appear to have chosen a calling - a life's purpose.

I, nonetheless, haven't a blanking clue as to what I'm supposed to do with my life.  

Am I destined to be a jack of all trades?  Should I just take one of those career tests (I did one in high school and it said I should be a cop or a FBI agent) and be done with it?  Every day I wake up and wonder about what it is that I am to do with myself.  What kind of contribution will I make to this world?

I search the job boards daily to see if my calling is there.  I have applied to a few places and have even been called in for interviews.  Most recently I was turned down for a role that I thought was 'the one' for me.  I did feel disappointed as it would have been an excellent opportunity yet I now know that the reason why I wasn't successful is that there is something else out there that I'm meant to do.  BUT WHAT????

Perhaps I could do an inventory of things I enjoy and things I don't.  I enjoy reading, writing, sports, food and shopping (not necessarily in that order).  I don't enjoy the traditional nature of work.  Yes, this indeed sounds odd coming from a recipient of Harper's cheese.  At my last job I felt restricted.  I was losing my identity as a woman.  I was just a human being going to work, enduring an 8 hour colonoscopy from my boss in order to pay bills.  To me, this is an asinine institution.  Why does it even exist?  I can only imagine how many scores of thousands of people out there who felt (and continue to feel) like I did.  I was a hamster on a wheel with no end in sight.  I work, get paid, pay my bills, have little or lint left over until the next paycheque and the wheel continues all over again.  I can positively say this is NOT the life I want for myself.

I had some doubts about my future in my current field.  I didn't want to pursue it any further but I continued on fearing that I couldn't make a change and do something else.  Who says I can't make a change?  Friends?  Family?  Societal pressures?  I finally came to the realization that I was pursuing an HR career to satisfy others and not myself.   Those days are over.  I'm tired of living up to a so-called standard.  I don't have to get a job day in and day out and become a drone.   If that works for you, all the power to you.  It just isn't for me.   Who is to say my calling is something completely different than the supposed norm?  When that epiphanic moment struck me, I felt a sense of release I'd never felt before.  

My friend Christiane says that money will always come when you need it.  My fed cheddar does come at some pretty odd times but in the end, it does come.  I need to be prepared for when it does come to an end a few months from now.  I guess my biggest question is, can one be truly at peace with their life's calling and still scrape out a living?  Or do we just ignore the call altogether?

Now that I think about it, I've been ignoring the call.  My line has been disconnected altogether.  I am certain that I'll have another epiphanic moment when I finally answer the call - I'm used to sitting by the phone anyway.