Sunday, August 31, 2008

passin' me by

Eleven years ago Diana, Princess of Wales passed away.  I was at a party in my 2nd year of university. The jam was in full swing until someone walked in and said, "Princess Diana is dead."  Everyone ran to the nearest TV and sure enough, it was all over the news - Diana died in a car accident.  Just like that.  A few minutes passed and everyone started going back to their dorms... partying just seemed meaningless at that moment.  I went back to my room and watched the news for hours.  In that moment it seemed like life would never be the same.

My life was never really the same after that, naturally.  I graduated, moved on to other things and eventually I find myself here in what feels like the same place.  I don't want to be in this place anymore.   I want to have a proper life.  I want to experience new & exciting things at the ripe old age of 31.  I want to start all over.  Guess what??  I have decided to do so.  I'm going to leave the Big Smoke and head to Upper Canada.  I'm going to leave Ontario and start fresh.

I got the idea from Christiane almost a week ago.  We've been chatting about the cost of living up there and what life would be like in general... then it hit me.  I could just go.  I could finally make a life for myself.  The thought initially scared me so I had to take a day or two to think about it.  I chatted with Blanka about it and she told me that if there was a time to do this it would be now as I don't have anything keeping me here in Toronto.   I honestly don't want to be in Toronto anymore.  I feel like I don't belong here - like no matter what I do I just can't seem to find where I fit in.

Jazz nearly made me cry when I told her.  She wants me to move in with her by the lake however I don't want to do that.  That's not where I want to be.  Bree is more diplomatic - she thinks I should just stay in Toronto and keep beating this dead horse I call my life.  I'm tired of trying.  I want life to stop passing me by and that's exactly what is happening the longer I stay in this town.  Both Bree & Jazz are shocked to hear that I don't want to live here anymore because Athena = Toronto.   I'm sure that equation would have been true awhile ago but not anymore.  I have to do right by me.  I have to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly and I could best do that elsewhere.  Bree & Jazz are looking out me... I know this, yet I'm looking out for me as well.   I'll still be a phone call away just like I am now.  Sometimes I feel like a mainstay - a constant: for as long as the sun rises each morning, Athena will live & love Toronto. Hark!  She has changed her mind.    The sun will continue to rise each morning... now we'll all just have to watch it from a different place.

Hard to believe September begins in a few hours.  This summer was, well, interesting to say the least.  Even the leaves are beginning to change!  Fall means change.  Fall means fall fashions.  Fall means mid-season sales.  Fall now means pack up and head east!  Whoo hoo!

(I'm really excited about moving... REALLY excited)