Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Right now I feel an incredible amount of fear.  Everything is scaring me today.  It's not like being spooked at a haunted house but more like a sense of hesitation.  

I have some bill collectors to call but I don't want to because I have to tell them that I can't make any payment arrangements as my current net worth stands at seventy-nine cents.   Then I would endure a barrage of "can't anyone help you out?"  No, dammit.  I'm tired of people asking me that.

My Facebook horoscope says that 'now is the time'.  Time for what?  What is it that I'm supposed to do right now?  I think I have an idea but I'm not sure.  Why?  I'm scared of going down that path in case it's the wrong one.   It's almost as if I've pressed the pause button for an extended period of time.  Why do I feel like this right now?

I have chosen the wrong path before.  I remember thinking, what have I done?  The only way I can describe it is like this - I was driving on a highway and all of a sudden, I veered off the road into a field where my car stalls.  I get out and I'm surrounded by cows... they're all looking at me as if to say, what are you doing here?  This is our turf.  I get back in the car and say to myself, Self, how did I get there?  How did I come to veer off the road?

Do I really know what I'm doing?  Is it possible that I've known all along where I want my life to go?  Am I alone in thinking this?  Lucky for me I'm not.  I chatted with my dear friend Briony last night while watching the Olympics and she told me she's not sure about her path either.  Briony wants to run away.  I told her we should just go.  Of course, this may not do any good for either of us however it would be kinda nice to just forget about real life for a little while.  

Once the runaway is over, my reality will always be there.  Am I just a 'fraidy cat?  Why don't I have the spine to just do it?  As I sit here, I'm slowly beginning to think that not only am I afraid of failure, I'm afraid of success.  No one knows failure like Athena Titanides.  Just once I would like to know what success is.  

There's only one person who stands in my way.  Me.  Go on Athena with your bad self!